Through Facebook we have a brilliant means for spreading ideas and knowledge around. Seriously, think about it. Facebook could actually change the world if we didn’t pervert it with such trivialities and gossip nonsense. We seemed to have turned to this great thing we have into a theater of bullshit, where people can whine their little hearts out and revel in their own pretentious existence. The world is changing fast and we’re fortunate enough to be living in the most fascinating time in history. We have a way to connect with every single person across the globe anytime we want. What power.
If for an unforeseen reason I was granted full command over Facebook, these would be my 10 simple rules. Any violation would result in total expulsion from FB and you’d be forced to live the rest of your life in the shallow depths of reality–without social media. What misery.
Here are my 10 Laws for posting on Facebook:
1. If you post multiple posts a day, like five or more, at least one of them would have to be something of substance. If you’re an excessive “poster”, you’d be required to post something that just might shed a different light on the way a fellow Facebooker might see things. Maybe a great article, an insightful book you’re reading or a profound experience. Something original. Meaningless, repetitious posts about what you ate or how you’re feeling at this hour of this day would warrant you banned from Facebook for life.
2. No more half-sentences. Write a damn full sentence so everyone who is your Facebook friend knows what you’re talking about. If it’s not meant for everyone, don’t post it. If a bored Facebooker has to ask who or what you’re talking about, this is a no-no. For example, “Oh, I can’t believe she did this…” or “Seriously…” or one of my favorites, “Keep talking shit…” I understand these posts come from the attention seekers out there trying to recruit a little sympathy and curiosity from their good ole FB friends, but it makes you look tasteless and quite ill-bred. There’s more folks looking at you with disdain than their are those who’d respond to your little half-sentence games. Banned for life.
3. If every post that you write is filled with embarrassing grammatical and spelling errors—I’m going to do you a favor by preventing you from ever posting on FB again. I’m not talking about minor little mistakes that we all make; I’m talking about the obvious ones. Please run your statements or whatever you’re about to post through Microsoft Word. Read it three times before posting. Write a damn sentence that you’d be proud to show your grand-kids one day. Strive to be Hemingway every time your fingers hit the keyboard. Remember, some Facebookers only know you through the words you communicate. Make it count. If you want a Facebooker to take you seriously, write decent.
4. Being full of yourself is out. If every single day you post about how great your life is, most of us know its bullshit. If you have to flaunt your prosperity or happiness, it’s most likely because you’re hiding your discontent behind a veneer of “possessions.” We understand that you need folks to believe that you’re happy. Some of us realize that when you’re constantly posting pics of erotic places and checking in at high-dollar joints, it’s only to paint the illusion of your prosperity. Trust me, we know. People who are truly happy are humble and don’t brag about their success or happiness. They don’t need Facebook as their “look-at-me-I’m- cool” stage. Because no one really wants to hear about how many cars you have or the pretty mansion you just bought with the income you probably don’t have. You’re banned for life.
5. If you’re going to post something political, you’d better be able to back up what you’re saying with thorough knowledge of the subject. If you post something because Rush Limbaugh or Rachel Maddow just said it, you are disqualified from having a genuine opinion. Don’t regurgitate the same bullshit peddled by some political pundit who acts like their words are gospel. People will eat you alive, at least the enlightened ones. If you get into a political debate on FB, never fall victim to the name calling and negativity that cancels out your intelligence. Let your ideas stand for themselves. Don’t be consumed by conflict. Negativity and name calling will get you booted from FB for life.
6. So-called “mirror-selfies” would buy you a first class ticket out of FB–forever. One self-picture in the mirror at the gym or anywhere for that matter would warrant an automatic disqualification from FB. Ok, so you’re making big gains, liking the way you look, finally rockin’ a six-pack. It’s cool. Just please have someone else take the pic of you. Don’t be the shirtless dude in the mirror with a cellphone in your hand. Oh yeah, girlies with your not so cute duck faces. Smile normal darlin’, you’re more beautiful without trying. Vanity is hilarious.
7. If you post a picture of your meal at every freakin’ sitting, you’re gone.
8. If you’re a partier and you’re pretty adamant about posting pictures of yourself partying—every night, say goodbye to FB.
9. If you air your dirty laundry on FB and actually believe that your fellow Facebookers live their lives to hear about it, you’re not only banned from Facebook but are demanded to seek a copious amount of counseling. Quit drowning Facebookers with your flood of negativity and senseless drama. Usually the people who have to showcase their feuds and self-pity are those who can only function in the cesspool of their own sewage. Life is short, live like it. As Jim Wendler so grandly put, “the only thing you have control is your attitude. You can choose to be/associate with the gossip scum, the Facebook fucks and the petty Life Suckers that martyr their lives and jobs – ‘poor, poor ME.’Or you can choose to turn off the negative and realize that this short life deserves the best of you. Don’t waste your life surviving.” Change your life. But if you won’t, call your Mama and complain and leave your Facebook friends out of it.
10.If you feel like motivating your fellow Facebookers with awesome quotes from dead poets, politicians or philosophers, it’s wise to have received the quote from actually reading the words of whomever you’re quoting. If you post a so-called “deep” passage from someone just because you saw it on the internet, it’s most likely wrong, out of context, or just plain made up. And if you’re going to preach motivational or behavioral sermons to your fellow Facebookers, you’d better be walking the walk yourself. Shit, try coming up with your own original advice. Read a lot and get whatever quote you’re about to use from the source instead of someone else. Misquotes due to laziness will bring an automatic Facebook termination.
That’s it. Not so bad, right?